Next Stop: Batty

Hangin' by a thread, here. I'm just sayin'.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Pre-School Sex Ed: Where Babies DON'T Come From

I want to go on record right now with the following: when it comes to the well-rounded education of our daughters, my husband is elected to handle the birds and...the other birds and their little tiny bird penises and how they make all those baby birdies.

Carly (5 years old) likes me to sing a Fred Small song to her at bedtime. It's called Everything Possible (great song), and states the following (among other things): Some women love women, and some men love men; some raise children, and some never do...

Carly loves this ritual of ours, but for the life of her, she cannot get her little I-own-62-girl-dolls-and-49-boy-dolls-and-I-need-more brain around the "some never do" part. "What do you mean, 'some never do,' Mommy?" she finally asked last night.

"Well, some people don't have kids. They choose not to have kids. Or they just don't have 'em." (Flustered already; what about those who want to, but can't? Well, certainly, that's too complicated for a 5-year-old. Yeah. Keep it simple.)

"How do they not have them?"

Red Alert! Red Alert! Stuff about "how!" Change the subject!

"They just don't have them. Want a glass of water?"

"How, though?"

Oh, this is somebody's idea of a joke and I'm on Candid Camera, right? I can't just your garden variety, "Where do babies come from?" Noooo! I have to deal with, "Where do no babies come from?" Or, "Where don't babies come from?" Or, "Where do babies come from, not?" And that, my friends, is what I get for exposing my children to this damn mind-opening pinko PC communist folksy strap-on-the-birkenstocks-and-pass-the-pot music. Think, Tracy, think, THINK!

"People decide not to have them, and you could decide that too, if you wanted, and then you wouldn't have them. Let's sing another one. How about "Old MacDonald?" No, no, no! Where did all those farm animals come from? Different song, DIFFERENT SONG!!!

"Or, how about This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let It Shine?"
(as long as I use protection...) "Ummm...or, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" I wonder if you come from sperm, like babies... "You know what? Mommy is soooo tired. No more songs. Time for sleep."

"Everybody does have them, Mommy, but they let them be adopted, right?"

"No, Angel, not everybody has them. Don't you ever sleep? STEEEEEVE! Carly wants to say good night!

On the positive side, maybe the Fred Small song will "turn them into lesbians," as I'm sure some people might think. In that case, I can tell them babies come from turkey basters (except in Indiana, but that's a post for a bitchy day) and be done with it.


At 9:41 AM, Blogger Trista said...

Hilarious post! I found you through Tripping the Life Unbalanced.

I LOVE that Fred Small song (I didn't know anyone else had heard of him!) And I was turned on to him by my gay sister and her partner, who (coincidentally) had two beautiful children with the help of a turkey baster. WILD!

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Tracy said...

Hey! You're my first visitor who wasn't coerced here by the kind of guilt I can only lavish on friends and family! Congrats! You win a toaster. My sister is gay, too, and she and her partner have a gorgeous son. (Which is why Carly never asked about the "some women love women" part of the song. For her, that's a given.)

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Shelley said...

Hey, aforementioned gay sister here. These sorts of questions are what CHURCH is for, you unchurched heathen! "Well, some people think they maybe should be parents, and some people think they should maybe be other things, and then God makes a decision about it." Course then you get into all the God questions, Lord help you.

At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Stacy said...

I am daily astounded by the snarky way kids ask questions about their world. My son is obsessed with people who get babies from adoption. This is all my fault for introducing the boy with two moms to a family with two dads and a baby (read: no mom). What follows is a daily quizzing about moms who give babies to two dads. And (right wing alert), JT's suggestion that my two dads and their baby girl go get themselves a mom. Awesome.


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