10 Excuses for the Dental Hygenist

Steve has a dental appointment this AM. (He's such an ADULT, taking care of his health and all. We've been married nearly 13 years, and the man is still a mystery to me.)

Now, my Steve doesn't floss daily. I don't floss daily. You don't floss daily. Let's be honest: NO ONE flosses daily (except my perfect sister, and this flossing thing is just one of the reasons I really can't stand her) (see her thoroughly flossed chops, below). Some of us -- I'm not naming names -- don't floss EVER, except the day of the appointment, and then we floss like
mad people sawing wood. This, of course, causes the telltale GUM BLEEDING (okay, more like hemorrhaging) that we just KNOW all the hygenists are gabbing about after we leave -- as they gnaw on raw celery and other useless sugar-free crap: "I had another last-minute flosser today. Don't they know they're not fooling anybody? Gross."

Now, Steve doesn't care what the hygenist thinks (it's all part of that ADULT thing). But I care passionately. I want Pat the hygenist to like me. What's more, I want her to approve of me. Maybe even to be inspired by my dental prowess. Does this motivate me to floss? Well, no. So then, there I am, like a six-year-old:

Do you floss?

Yes. (Nice delivery. Direct. Confident. Chipper. Likeable.)

How often?

Ummmm... (should I lie? Should I lie? No. I can't! She'll know. They always KNOW. Damn them! Damn them all to hell!) ...Well, not very often, to be honest. Pat.

Why not-ot-ot-ot-ot...

(I need not rack my brain for an answer because I have composed the following list of perfectly acceptable Floss Failure excuses. One need only choose among them.)

1. Dog ate floss. Now poops links.

2. Shrink advised against flossing. Brings back childhood mouth-propped-open-interminably-by-pool-ball-stuck-inside memories. (Excuse delivery strengthened considerably by sobbing uncontrollably at this juncture.)

3. No time to floss; am neurosurgeon during week and rocket scientist on weekends. Am saving world, one... space neuro-thingy at a time.

4. "I don't think that's any of your business, Pat. Flossing is a private matter. How often do you have sex? Hmmmm?"

5. Hands injured in freak 2002 Winter Olympics curling accident. Can't grasp floss. Don't want to talk about it.

6. Actually, I floss every day. Religiously. With my perfect sister. We floss together. And if my teeth don't look like I floss every day to you then that's your problem, isn't it?

7. Flossing is against my religion. Disturbs the soul--which resides in its physical form between the first and second bicuspids. And 6 billion beautiful people, including Tom Cruise, can't be wrong.

8. Let's take this outside, Pat.

9. I don't want to hurt you, Pat.

10. Last time I flossed, the floss was wound tightly, like you showed me, and it cut off ciculation to my fingertip, which is scheduled for amputation next Tuesday. Thanks a lot, Pat. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Now just clean the teeth, would ya'?